internet angel
written by eve-marie “mimi” valentine.
Summary:
Eve-Marie was your typical girl, up until her demise which came at her own hand.
Well... Maybe "typical" isn't the correct word to use - coming from a traumatic past full of abuse and illness,
she felt backed into a corner, and decided whether she lives or dies was the only thing still in her control.
She woke up in her room, more pristine than she could have ever left it, alive once again.
A strange plushie-like creature greeted her, bearing the news that she has become a fallen angel.
Looking in the mirror to see an unsightly halo made of blood and viscera, Mimi was sickened by the sight of herself.
Her brown eyes turned pink and her hair turned white, she looked like a freak of nature.
This is a story of love and healing above all else. Won't you stick around and hear my tale?
TWs:
- Suicide/self-harm
- Menhera themes
- Trauma
- References to violence
Deep breaths. Count to ten. One, two, three, four- her skin feels like it’s on fire.
Burning, searing pain, like every nerve in her body is being pinched and pulled and played with.
Stomach churning. Sleep deprivation hitting like a truck.
She wouldn’t have wanted to die this badly if she knew it would hurt like this.
No one is coming to help. She would rather accept her fate than ask for it, anyway.
So all that’s left to do is lie down, and let it embrace her.
Eve-Marie opens her eyes slowly, blinking the sleep from them.
It takes her a moment to get her bearings. She’s in her bedroom.
No wounds, no blood. Pristine.
No pain. No repercussions. She died, didn’t she? So why is she still here?
Suddenly, a plushie-like creature flies up to her face. One eye in terrible shape, fur a mess.
It looks like it survived hell and came back.
“You’re awake,” it chirps, shark-toothed smile plastered on its face. “You’ve been out for days!”
“Wasn’t I supposed to be dead?” She asks, bluntly. “You were,” is its simple reply.
“You became an angel. A fallen one, at that.” It gestures over to her full-length mirror, framed with lace. “See?”
She grimaces at the sight of her sorry excuse for a halo. It’s sickening, nearly. Made of gore and blood. Her hair has turned white, her eyes a peach pink. She looks like a freak.
“Why?” She asks, looking back to the creature. “Were you the one who did this to me?”
“No, no, no! I was just sent to care for you! The Gods favor you, and so, you were saved.”
She sighs, putting her face in her hands. “I wasn’t supposed to be saved.”
“Fallen angels are more human than other angels,” it explains. “You still have parts of your humanity.”
Eve-Marie lies back on the bed, groaning. “I just have to live with this?”
“Yes, isn’t it wonderful? You can hide your halo at will, by the way!” She should kill this thing, too.
But it looks like it’s seen such horrific abuse that she would feel too bad. She should do something about that eye. Maybe she could dress it up in cute outfits.
Suddenly, she rises from the bed, and digs through her first aid kit. She finds a gauze pad, and colorful tape. “Sit here, on the desk,” she instructs. The plushie does as told. It’s a fidgety little thing, she notices. “And sit still, please.”
She places the large gauze pad over its eye, and tapes it down with purple and blue tape.
“There. Keep it hidden, okay? You’ll scare others going around with that eye.”
“Yay! Thank you!” It hops up and flies around in circles excitedly.
“Can you get dizzy?” She asks. “Nope!” She sighs. “Just be careful.”
Eve-Marie picks it up. She looks at it closely. “Do you have a name?”
It shakes its head ‘no,’ and she hums, softly. “I prefer to be called Mimi, so I’ll… call you Bibi.”
She’s never been very creative, after all. But she thinks it suits it. “Thank you!”
Maybe life isn’t so bad, after all.
No one believes that Mimi died and became an angel. Of course they wouldn’t.
They all think she’s delusional. Maybe she is, maybe she’s just dreaming.
But it feels real enough, at least. She hides her halo from view. It’s sickening.
Maybe if she had wings, but Bibi said that fallen angels aren’t allowed such a gift.
Oh well.
Mimi dyed her hair a pastel purple.
She's starting to think this natural white isn't such a bad thing. She can dye her hair whatever color she wants now.
She finally trimmed her bangs, too.
Her hair seems wavier than it used to be. Maybe it's finally healthy.
She's changed her style again, too. She wears sailor-style sweet lolita now.
At some point, Bibi convinced her to become a magical girl. Her crystal compact transforms her, and she uses a Bibi-themed box cutter to battle evil.
She's a little too violent with her methods, but the townspeople fawn over her regardless.
Being a cute girl has its merits, she supposes.
It's tiring work, though.
Fighting evil, pleasing the public, avoiding scandals.
She wants to quit.
Somehow, the shine of her crystal compact, has dulled over the years.
Two years after working hard as a magical girl, Mimi has decided to retire to become a full-time hikikomori NEET.
Everyone was shocked. But she needs time to herself, for once.
Getting sucked further into social media, with a need to satisfy her desire for approval, she decides to become a streamer.
Mimi deludes herself into thinking she's an angel of love as a way to cope with her unholy nature, and so, her online handle is “cupidtan.”
She's always been a fan of the concept of moe anthropomorphic anime girls, so she thinks it's fitting.
Her Lovely Bibi-chan Lip Cream(™) lets her cast illusions to change her appearance at any time, and so, she disguises her halo to be perfect, and truly angelic.
Maybe this way, she won't scare away her viewers.
Mimi thinks streaming is fun, at least for now.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
One, two… In and out, breathe deeply.
Everything is going to be okay.
Mimi bandages herself up.
She gets dressed.
She tries again.
Sometimes, all you can ever do is try.
Fake normalcy until it sticks.
Over, and over, until you're met with some semblance of happiness, and healthiness.
Try, fail, try again.
An endless cycle.
Made easier with friends, people who care.
No one is truly ever completely alone, even when you think you are.
Everything is going to be okay.
Mimi is in love with the concept of love.
Romance, finding your soulmate.
But she doesn't think she's capable of feeling such an emotion.
After suffering when trying to find out, she's given up.
But that's fine. Her 2D loves will always be there, right? Forever.
Somehow, at some point, she became a total self-shipper.
It's one of her charm points, she would like to say.
She still dreams of those who hurt her sometimes.
Waking up, feeling sick to her stomach.
Being abused, being betrayed, lied about, stalked, harassed.
People disgust her sometimes.
But it’s alright. This fucked up world is still beautiful.
She got a new therapist, one who listens and gives good advice, helps her find herself.
And her new medication helps too.
She falls apart sometimes, but she’s learning how to put herself back together again.
Slowly, one step at a time, until she becomes whole.
Mimi doesn’t know if she’s ever been whole. Her home life was turbulent, to say the least.
Everyone she had thought she loved used her until she was a shell.
She’s trying desperately to get a grip.
Her daydreams get so intense that they blend into reality.
Her guardian angels whisper to her.
Softly, sweetly, luring her into slumber.
Sometimes, all she can do is sleep.
Wake up, and start again.
Mimi has learned that she doesn’t feel much pain anymore, making it easy to do whatever she wants to her body.
But she also realized that most of her emotions have left her.
But not all of them, and not all the time.
She’s on the two extreme ends of the emotional spectrum. Feeling too little, or feeling too much. No in-betweens, all the time.
Her smile looks forced.
Inhuman.
But that’s okay, too.
She created a mascot for her chat, by the way.
Lovebugs - magical fairies here to accompany her on her streaming journey. She thinks they’re rather cute.
Bibi conjured up a plushie of one for her, and she excitedly showed it off to her chat.
All things considered, everything is going well.
Save for surgery, after she found out that fallen angels can still get ill.
Four years have gone so quickly.
Another day has come and gone.
She wakes up, eats, goes about her day.
Takes her pills.
Cries over what she’s lost.
Heads to bed at six in the morning.
Rinse, repeat.
Monotony at its finest.
Do you see me?
I’m beginning to walk forward, closer to my true hopes and beliefs.
I take a step, closer, and closer, slowly.
Inching onwards, to becoming who I want to be, to reaching the future I see in my dreams.
Would you join me in dream chasing?
Mimi holds Bibi tightly when she sleeps.
Its plushie-like form helps with that.
Sometimes, she feels like it’s the only thing that understands her.
That’s not true, but it’s how she feels.
She has friends who love her, of course.
But they’re all on the internet.
With no one other than her plushie companion to comfort her in the real world…
She’s grown terribly lonely.
444.
The angel number commonly associated with love.
It's funny, that it's the one that follows her everywhere.
Turn on your phone screen.
Look at the time displayed on the LED.
What is it? 4:44. AM, PM. Whatever.
Look at your following count. 444.
It was like that for weeks.
She guesses there is love in her life.
That the angels know what they're doing.
Not romantic, of course.
She's done with all of that.
But she is loved.
And she does love others.
Her friends are a blessing to her.
They’ve been with her through everything.
Her group chat has a call.
They stay up until 7 AM.
She wishes there were less distance between them.
But it’s okay. Online friendships aren’t lesser in any way.
It just would be nice.
Her life as a shut-in is a lonely one.
And when she does try to make real life friends, they all leave her.
She’s too weird for real life.
May 31st, 2024.
Mimi has turned 23.
Nothing much has changed, except she now exists at an age which is an odd number.
She hates odd numbers. Maybe 24 will be better.
She spent her birthday miserable.
Her new shoes rubbed blisters into the back of her heels.
She kicked the metal bedframe in frustration and ended up with a large, painful bruise.
Bibi sits in her lap, playing games on her phone.
Being 23 isn’t so bad, at least.
Maybe someday, aging won’t terrify her.
Her birthday voice chat lasted 11 hours.
She doesn’t think it would have been as fun without her friends.
Someday, everything will be better.
She’ll be a kinder person.
She’ll stop wishing she were dead.
She’ll start to heal.
It just takes time.
A new chapter of her life has begun.
“Watch me closely, okay?” As I begin to change.
She speaks to the people beyond the screen.
Today, too, Mimi will don her signature hairstyle.
She’ll dress up in her pretty clothes.
She’ll wear her favorite shoes.
And she’ll show the world what she’s made of.
What she hopes to be, and what she can be.
All’s well that ends well.
Mimi’s diary, a small collection.
i. paranoia overdose
theyre talking about me. dont you see?
whisper, whisper, behind my back
thinking i dont know, thinking i cant tell
narcissistic bitch. attention whore.
did you see the cuts on her wrist?
you could have stopped it. its your fault
whisper, whisper.
why do you sound like that?
why do you act like that?
delusional freak.
she cries too much.
shes too angry. too emotional.
being with you is like walking on eggshells.
i ruin everything i touch
undeserving of kindness
of love
im the problem, truly, right?
im always the problem
down my pills
close my eyes
get lost in the woozy, fuzzy feeling
and go to sleep
ii. to be loved is to be changed, and i want to be changed. sometimes, i wish i could be a stuffed animal.
no thoughts, no feelings. well-loved.
held tightly every night for decades.
what a joy it would be.
paint me in your colors
wash me. put me in the drier
feel my warmth in your embrace
sew up my wounds
replace my broken pieces
give me companions
so i won’t be lonely when you’ve grown tired of me
please don’t grow tired of me
to be loved is to be changed.
iii. the angels are watching over me
in wanting, longing
i shredded my identity
into pieces, bit by bit
until i was unrecognizable
just to be with you.
and now i’m―
always dreaming
even when i’m awake
my dreams blur into reality
my sense of self melting away
once again
slowly, it trickles down
into nothingness.
my dreams conjure up alternate timelines
where you, and him, and them, had never existed
and i lived a happy childhood
you taught me how to lie
so that i never bother anyone
with my true feelings
verbally
you beat me down until i was nothing
i am nothing, still
and how do i recover?
i’m shattered
into tiny little pieces
the angels look upon me
as i writhe and suffer
under the weight
of what you have done unto me
i dream again.
iv. find joy in the little things and hold on tight before it’s too late
“are you okay?
you sound different today”
“im fine,” i lie. “its not that serious”
nothing is that serious
until i find myself laying in a hospital bed.
breathe in
count to ten
breathe out
repeat until your heart rate slows
repeat until the hyperventilation stops
repeat until the tears dry
repeat until you’re okay again
at least for now
twenty-three is an awful age to be turning
when every chance you had of surviving
has been taken away from you since the very beginning
but it’ll be okay
it’s always okay in the end
slowly, steadily
find your way
find people who love you
and cling on tight
to any amount of joy you can find.
v. you are not alone, no matter what you think - an open letter to lost friends
i love you, the words i struggle most to say.
but i do, it’s true.
i love you all more than i probably should.
i love everyone and anyone. i love the world.
my heart, near incapable of hatred, is filled to the brim
with warm, fuzzy, happy feelings.
will you love yourself for me, too?
please, stay by my side, and watch us both as we grow.
life is always worth living, in the end, after all.
so stick around a bit
and see what you’re capable of, okay?
vi. i wonder if i was happy back then
or was i still the shell of a person i am today?
i can’t remember my childhood
and maybe that’s a good thing
but something about it makes me feel so, so small
and so, so lonely.
relatives i can never remember
the faces, nor names of
stuffed animals i forgot existed,
until they get dug out of my closet
photographs of seemingly happier times
my own face i can barely recognize
i feel guilty
but is it truly my fault?
do you remember your childhood?
or is everything lost to time for you, too?
vii. a fragmented self
i am not whole
nor am i who i pretend to be
there is another world
inside of me
and it threatens to consume
every part of my being
there are too many of me
running rampant
i see them in my dreams
i hear them in my head
conflicting thoughts and feelings
overwhelming my brain until it’s all too much
it’s all too loud
viii. they spoke to me in my dreams
you can be pure
they said
you can be more than this
you can be whole
have joy again
you can be put back together
i didn’t believe them then
but i believe them now
i dye myself into new colors
cute colors
that make me happy
i resist the urge to hurt
myself, others
i shove it deep down
never to be seen again,
or at least i hope
i smile more
i’m kinder
even when i shouldn’t be
i learn to love more
because love is all i have left
to hold onto
i keep myself safe
or i try
i eat properly
as best as i can
i hide myself less
staying present
being there when needed
i don’t want to die anymore
i want to be okay
and free
i have become an angel
beloved by all
and i am happy.
YEAR 4, DAY ???? A DREAM-LIKE EPILOGUE. In a hazy scene, Mimi stands on the beach.
This small, ocean-side ghost town, has recently found itself more lively than usual.
Mimi has began to make more friends in the real world.
She still gets anxious, after spending so long away from people.
They accept her as she is, and that makes her happy.
People aren’t always so bad.
Bibi floats next to Mimi, gazing upon the ocean waves.
It’s peaceful here.
“I decided,” she begins, “I do want to live, after all.”
Bibi smiles at her with its one eye, sharp teeth showing.
“Really? I’m happy!”
It was said that once she’s learned to live for herself, and learns to grow and love, she would become a pure angel.
Her halo, once bloody and obscene, slowly begins to change form, until it’s shining brightly.
Bibi’s eye lights up as it gazes upon her new form.
“What are you looking at?” She asks, tilting her head.
“Your halo,” Bibi points out. “You’ve become a true angel…!”
Mimi blinks several times, taking out her compact member and staring at her blue, glowing halo in disbelief. “You’re right…”
A bright light appears before her, a human form materializing. “An angel? No… A God…?”
The God, in a form crafted to make Mimi feel comfortable in their presence, takes her hands in Theirs.
“My child,” Their voice light and affectionate. “You have completed your task. Congratulations on your new form.”
They talk for what seems like ages.
The God, revealing themself to be one of love, had snatched her soul from purgatory and given her a second chance.
Mimi was Their favorite human, after all.
“Thank you, for letting me live,” says Mimi, smiling, tears pricking the corner of her eyes.
She looks to Them, who is now behind her, ready to take Their departure.
“No matter how messed up it is… This world is truly beautiful, isn’t it?”
The God smiles, “you figured it out, did you not? The world revolves around love, of any kind. Even if it does not always seem that way, all of us are capable of love, all of us require love and nurture. Without a love for those around us, without love for ourselves, without love for the world - we would all be nothing.”
“Be at ease, for you shall find peace and happiness. Seek joy in your new life, and live among your friends, and your familiar. After all, they were assigned to you for a reason.”
And so, They depart, leaving Mimi and Bibi alone, among the ocean waves.
“Good Mimi morning, everyone! I’m Mimi Valentine, a menhera cupid in love with love itself!”
“How are you? Have you slept well, did you take your meds? Make sure to do so if you haven’t.”
“Today, we’ll be chatting for a bit before getting into the main stream… Let’s have fun today!”
This story isn’t ending, in fact, it’s only just now beginning.
Let’s stay together for many more years to come, okay?
